So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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