Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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