I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she peed on how many people?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
