Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
