the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
