This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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