remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
