hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
