Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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