Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
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The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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