I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
