I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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