So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
