Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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