The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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