I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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