Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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