I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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