I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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