just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
