I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize
