sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
