Barsexuality is the new black.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
