I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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