we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
