she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
NoShamevember. You game?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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