he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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