I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
