quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
