Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
