I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
