Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
