I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
