my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
where are my eyebrows?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
