I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
