I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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