i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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