the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
