If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
