shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
