Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
