My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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