Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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