The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
