If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
