I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
