Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
