Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.