My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
