Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
