i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
