Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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