I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
