Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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