He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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