I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
