It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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